Hip Hop Fridays: Simmons Rushes to Head NAACP (satire) by Hadji Williams
In a surprising move, rap mogul and urban culture pioneer Russell Simmons has been named president of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. Simmons, who is replacing Kweisi Mfume, the recently retired head of the one of the nation's oldest and most prominent Civil rights organization is expected to officially take command of the organization March 31, 2005, according to an NAACP spokesman.
Simmons, who in addition to turning Def Jam from a two-man college dorm operation in the early 80s into the biggest rap label in the world has a fortune estimated to be in the $500 million range. A longtime fixture on Wall Street "Big Rush" as he is known by many, gained further notoriety in 2004 as vocal political activist through his HSAN (Hiphop Summit Action Network) organization which helped turn out young voters 18-34 in record numbers.
While Simmons appointment is being hailed as badly-needed injection of new blood and vitality, many NCAAP insiders are disappointed by the move. "There 's 'black folks' and there's 'niggas'; and these fools done hauled off and hired a baggy pants wearin' slang-spittin,' bling-chasin' nigga!" complained Dr. O. Hellnawh, a 20 year NAACP member and professor of African-American Studies from Florida A&M University.
"They better not be playing nonna that 'bippity-bop, crunkety-junk' at my meetings. That garbage makes my nerves bad." Mrs. Mabel Johnson, an 80 year old chapter member from Georgia noted. "What that Simmons boy know about marching?! What he know about overcoming? What does he know about being a colored person?!" complained another longtime member who wished to remain anonymous.
During a recent closed-door NCAAP meeting, Simmons addressed some of the dissent and listed some of his plans for the organization's future. Here are exclusive highlights of Simmons' talk:
"I plan on carrying on the legacy so many have fought, sacrificed and died to gain. But I also want the NAACP to be a forward-looking organization--one that changes with the times, embraces the progress made and evolves with America's growing diversity and opportunities. With that said, my first order of business is to change the acronym of the NAACP to stand for NIGGAS ALWAYS AFTER CREAM and POWER."
At this point many in attendance simply fainted. Others attempted to rush the stage but were tackled by FOI members who Simmons brought in as security. Simmons calmed the grumbling by noting that, "We all niggas; and when I say 'nigga' I mean, 'Never Ignorant, Gettin' Goals Accomplished'. Besides, I originally wanted to call it NIGGAS AFTER ALL of CAUCASIANS' POWER, but I want to be a uniter, not a divider."
Simmons continued his speech by pointing out the NAACP's need to be more inclusive. "To be a champion of diversity we need to be more diverse ourselves. To that end, I'm appointing Eminem as my new vice-president. Say what y'all want, but Em's one of the realest niggas I know. He'll help this organization recruit more young members than all of us, combined."
Simmons also expressed his desire to extend executive positions to "Jin," a noted Asian rapper, someone named "Fat Joe," MTV's Ashton Kutcher and urban-pop songstress Christina Aguilera. "Under my direction, the NAACP will be a champion of equality, diversity, education and opportunity and as much interracial coochie as we can handle! We gon' party 'til the break of dawn and keep it on the one. In fact, when I'm thru with this joint, it'll be a true rainbow coalition." Simmons proudly summarized.
As Simmons left the meeting, he would not confirm or deny rumors of a planned NAACP album and a high-end NAACP inspired clothing line.
Hadji Williams is author of KNOCK THE HUSTLE: How to save your job and your life from Corporate America. (www.knockthehustle.com) It's Hip Hop's first guide to success in business, culture and life. You can reach him at: firstname.lastname@example.org. This satire was published by Playahata.com
Friday, February 11, 2005